上海幽默雙語(yǔ)篇一：雙語(yǔ)幽默1-10則

雙語(yǔ)幽默1-10則

雙語(yǔ)幽默1：使用規(guī)則

Restroom Use:Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom.There is now a strict 3 minute time limilt in the stalls.At the end of 3 minutes,an alarm will sound,the tollet paper roll will retract,the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your 2nd offense,your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board.

廁所使用規(guī)則：大家上廁所的時(shí)間太長(zhǎng)，現(xiàn)在規(guī)定一次只能去三分鐘。時(shí)間一到，廁紙會(huì)縮回，廁所門(mén)會(huì)打開(kāi)，你將被拍下來(lái)。如果第二次違反規(guī)定，照片將被貼到公司公告欄。

雙語(yǔ)幽默2：精神專(zhuān)家

The psychiatrist has really helped me a lot.I would never answer the phone, because I was afraid. Now I answer it whether it rings or not.

精神專(zhuān)家真的幫了我大忙。以前我不敢接電話(huà)，現(xiàn)在不管電話(huà)響不響我都都接。

雙語(yǔ)幽默3：洗碗

A:What do you use for washing dishes?

B:On,I’ve tried many things but found my husband is best.

甲：你用什么洗碗？

乙: 哦，我試過(guò)很多東西，后來(lái)發(fā)現(xiàn)老公最好用。

雙語(yǔ)幽默4：名單

雙語(yǔ)幽默5：安眠藥 Girlfriend: Are you sure you love me and no one else? Boyfriend: Dead sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday.女友：你確定你只愛(ài)我一個(gè)？ 男友：絕對(duì)！昨天我剛查過(guò)名單。

雙語(yǔ)幽默6：傻子

Wife:You know,I was a fool when I married you.

Husband:Yes, dear, but I was in love and did’t notice.

老婆：知道嗎，我嫁給你的時(shí)候可真是個(gè)傻子。

老公：是的，親愛(ài)的，我當(dāng)時(shí)陷入愛(ài)河，沒(méi)發(fā)現(xiàn)

雙語(yǔ)幽默7：晚點(diǎn)

Passenger:What’s the use of haaving a train schedule if the trains are always late?

Railroad driver:Well,how would we know they were late, if we didn’t have a shedule?

旅客：火車(chē)總是晚點(diǎn)，要列車(chē)時(shí)刻表還有什么用？

火車(chē)司機(jī)：如果沒(méi)有時(shí)刻表，怎么能知道晚點(diǎn)呢？

雙語(yǔ)幽默8：包圍與進(jìn)攻

Soldier:Sir,we are surrounded!

Major:Excellent! We can attack in any direction now!

Doctor:Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping pills. Wife:When must I give them to him? Doctor:They are for you. 醫(yī)生：你丈夫需要安靜地休息。這是安眠藥 老婆：我什么時(shí)候給他吃？ 醫(yī)生：這是給你的。

士兵：長(zhǎng)官，我們被包圍了！

少校：太好了，我們可以向任何方向進(jìn)攻！

雙語(yǔ)幽默9：如此標(biāo)點(diǎn)

Punctuate the following sentence:A woman without her man is nothing.

Males: A woman, without her man, is nothing.

Females: A woman:without her, man is nothing.

給下面句子加標(biāo)點(diǎn)符號(hào)：女人沒(méi)有她男人什么都不是

男人：女人，沒(méi)有她男人，什么也不是

女人：女人，沒(méi)有她，男人什么也不是。

雙語(yǔ)幽默10：婚后

Girl: When we get married,I want to share all your wrrries,troubles and lighten your burden.

Boy: It’s very kind of you, darling, but I don’t have any worries or troubles.

Girl:Well that is because we aren’t married yet.

女孩：我們結(jié)婚后，我要分擔(dān)你的憂(yōu)愁、煩惱，減輕你的負(fù)擔(dān)。

男孩：親愛(ài)的，你太好了，但是我沒(méi)有什么憂(yōu)愁和煩惱。

女孩：那是因?yàn)槲覀冞�沒(méi)結(jié)婚呢。

上海幽默雙語(yǔ)篇二：雙語(yǔ)幽默故事

24個(gè)雙語(yǔ)幽默故事(七年級(jí))

第一篇

I’ve Lost 5 Dollars Little George was crying one day, and his uncle asked him why. “ I?ve lost 5 dollars,” sobbed George.

“Never mind,” said his uncle kindly, “Here

?s another 5 dollars for you.” At which George howled louder than ever instead. “Now what is it?” asked his uncle.

“I wish I?d said I?d lost 10 dollars!”

我丟失了五美元

一天喬治哭了，他叔叔問(wèn)他怎么了。

“我丟了五美元�！眴讨慰拗�說(shuō)。

“沒(méi)關(guān)系，”叔叔和藹地說(shuō)，“我再給你五美元�！钡珕讨畏炊�哭得比剛才更大聲了。

“這是怎么了？”叔叔問(wèn)。

“我后悔剛才沒(méi)有說(shuō)丟了十美元�！�

第二篇

The Cat And the Mice

Mrs Brown went to visit one of her friend and carried a small box with holes punched in the top.

“What's in your box?” asked the friend.

“A cat,” answered Mrs Brown. “You see I've been dreaming about mice at night and I'm so scared! This cat is to catch them.”

“But the mice are only imaginary,” said the friend.

“So is the cat,”

whispered Mrs Brown.

貓和老鼠

布朗夫人去拜訪(fǎng)一位朋友，她拿著一個(gè)頂部扎滿(mǎn)了小眼兒的盒子。

“盒子里裝的是什么？”朋友問(wèn)道。

“一只小貓，

”布朗夫人回答說(shuō)，

“你知道我晚上睡覺(jué)總夢(mèng)見(jiàn)老鼠，

我非常害怕。這只貓可以抓住那些老鼠�！�

“可老鼠都是假想的呀。”朋友說(shuō)。

“小貓也是假想的�！辈祭史蛉诵÷曊f(shuō)道。

第三篇

A Good Boy

Little Robert asked his mother for two cents.

“What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?”

“I gave it to a poor old woman,”he answered.

“You're a good boy,” said the mother proudly.

“Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?” “She is the one who sells the candy.”

好孩子

小羅伯特向媽媽要兩美分。

“昨天給你的錢(qián)干什么了？”

“我給了一個(gè)可憐的老太婆，”他回答說(shuō)。

“你真是個(gè)好孩子，”媽媽驕傲地說(shuō)，“再

給你兩美分。可你為什么對(duì)那位老太太那么感興趣呢？”

“她是個(gè)賣(mài)糖果的�！�

第四篇

Drunk

One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all

kinds of things and was always asking questions.

Now, he asked, “What's the meaning of the word ?Drunk?, Dad?”

“Well, my son,” his father replied, “l(fā)ook, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two

policemen as four then I am drunk.”

“But, Dad,” the boy said, “there?s only ONE policeman!”

醉酒

一天，父親與小兒子一道回家。

這個(gè)孩子正處于那種對(duì)什么事都很感興趣的年齡，老是有提不完的問(wèn)題。他向父親發(fā)問(wèn)道：“爸爸，‘醉’字是什么意思？”

“唔，孩子，”父親回答說(shuō)，“你瞧那兒站著兩個(gè)警察。如果我把他們看成了四個(gè)，那么我就算醉了。”

“可是，爸爸,”孩子說(shuō),“那兒只有一個(gè)警察呀！”

第五篇

Exchange the Tortoise for the Wolf

Teacher: Some students are becoming arrogant. Do you remember the story about race between the hare and the tortoise? Now, Xiaoming, will you please tell us why the hare was defeated by the tortoise?

Xiaoming: Because the hare fell asleep.

Teacher: Absolutely right! What should we do so that the hare won't fall asleep? Xiaoming: Exchange the tortoise for the wolf.

把烏龜換成狼

老師：有些同學(xué)開(kāi)始驕傲了，大家還記得龜兔賽跑的故事嗎。小明，你說(shuō)說(shuō)看，兔子為什么輸給烏龜？

小明：因?yàn)樗�睡覺(jué)了。

老師：對(duì)極了！我們應(yīng)該怎么做才能讓兔子不睡覺(jué)呢？

小明：把烏龜換成狼！

第六篇

Why Did It Make You Late

Mike was late for school. He said to his teacher, Mr. Black, “Excuse me for my coming late,

sir. I watched a football match in my dream.”

“Why did it make you late?” inquired the teacher.

“Because neither team could win the game, so it lasted a long time,”

replied Mike.

那什么會(huì)使你遲到呢

邁克上學(xué)遲到了。他對(duì)老師布萊克先生說(shuō)：

對(duì)不起，我遲到了，老師。我夢(mèng)見(jiàn)了一場(chǎng)足球賽�！�

老師問(wèn)：”那什么會(huì)使你遲到呢？”

邁克回答說(shuō)：”因?yàn)閮蓚�(gè)隊(duì)不分勝負(fù)，因此持續(xù)了很長(zhǎng)時(shí)間�！�

第七篇

Correct

Teacher: Jimmy, what are the three words which pupils use most often at school? Jimmy: I don?t know ...

Teacher: Correct.

很對(duì)

教師：吉米，學(xué)生在學(xué)校里經(jīng)常用的三個(gè)字是什么？

吉米：不知道??

老師：很對(duì)。

第八篇

A History Book

Teacher：Why are you drawing in your history book?

Jack：I'm trying to make a mark in history.

歷史書(shū)

老師：你為什么在歷史書(shū)上亂畫(huà)？

杰克：我要試著在歷史上留下痕跡。

第九篇

Who Discovered America

Teacher: Pappu, go to the map and find North America.

Pappu: Here it is!

Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?

Class: Pappu!

誰(shuí)發(fā)現(xiàn)了美洲

老師：帕普，去地圖前找到美洲。

帕普：在這兒！

老師：正確�，F(xiàn)在，大家告訴我，誰(shuí)發(fā)現(xiàn)了美洲？

學(xué)生：帕普！

第十篇

Is He Dying

A man was sitting in a bar with tears streaming down his face. A

friend walked in and asked why he was so sad. The weeping one said,

“The doctor has just told me I’ll have to take the tablets for the rest of my life. His friend pointed out that many people have to take tablets every day of their life. “Sure,” came the reply,

“but he only gave me ten.”

他就要死了嗎

一個(gè)男人坐在酒吧里痛哭流涕。

一個(gè)朋友走進(jìn)來(lái)問(wèn)他問(wèn)什么如此傷心。

那人哭著說(shuō)：“剛才醫(yī)生告訴我，在我的余生里每天都要吃這些藥片�！�

他的朋友指出，許多人一輩子每天都要吃藥片。

“當(dāng)然，”男人回答說(shuō)，

“但是他只給了我十片。”

第十一篇

He Knows the Answer

Teacher: Can you tell me anything about the great scientists of the 18th century? Pupil: Yes, sir, I can. They are all dead.

他知道答案

老師：你能告訴我一些關(guān)于18世紀(jì)的偉大科學(xué)家的事情嗎？

學(xué)生：可以，老師。他們都死了。

第十二篇

No Problem

A bald man took a seat in a beauty shop.

“How can I help you?” asked the stylist.

“I went for a hair transplant,”the guy explained,

“but I couldn?t stand the pain. If you can make my hair look like yours without causing me any discomfort,

I?ll pay you $5 000.”

“No problem,”said the stylist, and he quickly shaved his own head.

沒(méi)問(wèn)題

一個(gè)禿頭的男人坐在理發(fā)店里。

發(fā)型師問(wèn)：

“有什么可以幫你嗎？”那個(gè)人解釋說(shuō)：

“我本來(lái)想去做頭發(fā)移植，但實(shí)在太痛了。如果你能夠讓我的頭發(fā)看起來(lái)像你的一樣，而且沒(méi)有任何痛苦，我就給你5 000美元。”

“沒(méi)問(wèn)題�！卑l(fā)型師說(shuō)，然后他很快地給自己剃了個(gè)光頭。

第十三篇

A Driver

Aman drives his car at 130 miles per hour on the road. He is stopped by a traffic police.

“Sorry officer,” says the driver,

“Am I driving too fast?”

“No, sir. You are flying too slow,”the traffic police answers.

司機(jī)

某人開(kāi)車(chē)以每小時(shí)130英里的速度在公路上行駛，被交警攔住了。

“對(duì)不起，警官�！彼緳C(jī)說(shuō)，“我是不是開(kāi)得太快了？”

“不，先生，你是飛得太慢了�！苯痪�回答說(shuō)。

第十四篇

I Wasn’t Listening

Mother asked her little daughter who was reading a book.

“What are you reading, dear?”

“Idon?t know,”

the little girl answered,

“Iwas reading aloud, Mom, but I wasn?t listening.”

我沒(méi)有聽(tīng)

女兒在大聲讀書(shū)，媽媽問(wèn)：“親愛(ài)的，你在讀什么？”

“我不知道，”小女孩回答說(shuō)，

“我在朗讀，可我沒(méi)有在聽(tīng)啊！”

第十五篇

Three Reasons

Teacher: Stone, give me three reasons why you know the Earth to be round. Stone: Ma says so, Pa says so, and you say so！

三條理由

老師：斯通，說(shuō)出三條理由來(lái)證明地球是圓的。

斯通：媽媽是這么說(shuō)的，爸爸是這么說(shuō)的，你也是這么說(shuō)的。

第十六篇

I Am Napoleon

Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted,

“I am Napoleon!”

Another one said,

“How do you know?”

The first inmate said,

“God told me!”

Just then, a voice from another room shouted,

“I did not!”

我是拿破侖

一天晚上，在瘋?cè)嗽豪�，一個(gè)病人大喊：

“我是拿破侖！”

另一個(gè)說(shuō)：“你是怎么知道的？”

第一個(gè)人說(shuō)：“上帝對(duì)我說(shuō)的！”

這時(shí)，一個(gè)聲音從另一個(gè)房間里傳來(lái)：

“我沒(méi)說(shuō)！”

第十七篇

The Lowest Grade

Student: Professor, I did the best I could on this test. I really don?t think I deserve a zero.

Teacher: Neither do I. But that?s the lowest grade

I’m allowed to give.

最低分

學(xué)生：教授先生，我這次考試已經(jīng)竭盡全力了。我真的覺(jué)得我不應(yīng)該得零分。 老師：我也這么覺(jué)得。但是這已經(jīng)是我能給的最低分了。

第十八篇

Best Reward

Anaval officer fell overboard. He was rescued by a deck hand. The

officer asked how he could reward him.

“The best way, sir,” said the deck hand

“is to say nothing about it. If the other fellows knew

I?d pulled you out, they

上海幽默雙語(yǔ)篇三：小學(xué)生英語(yǔ)幽默故事(超全版,中英雙語(yǔ))

Ten Candies

Mother asks her son, “Jim, if you have ten candies, and you eat four, then how many candles do you have?”

“Ten.” Jim says.

“Then,” Mother asks.

“Yes, Mum. Four candles are in my stomach and six candies are out of my stomach. Four and six is ten, isn?t it right?”

故事2 十塊糖

媽媽問(wèn)兒子：“吉姆， 如果你有10塊糖，吃了4塊，那你還有幾塊糖？” “10塊。”吉姆說(shuō)。

“10塊？”媽媽問(wèn)。

“是的，媽媽。因?yàn)?塊在我的肚子里面，6塊在肚子外面，4加6等于10，不對(duì)嗎？”

小學(xué)生英語(yǔ)故事

包括：幽默故事（1-7頁(yè)）、普通小故事（7-40頁(yè)）。激發(fā)小朋友們學(xué)英語(yǔ)的興趣，幫助他們提高成績(jī)。最好每天背一篇，會(huì)有不錯(cuò)的效果的 O(∩_∩)O

英文幽默故事：

There was a guy who went into a shop to buy a parrot. There werethree parrots in the shop. One was $5,000; another one, $10,000; and the third one, $30,000. The customer asked the owner, “How come this guy is $5,000? That?s so expensive for this kindof parrot.” The owner said, “Because I have trained him and he can talk.” So the customer asked him, “How about this guy? What can he do that makes him so expensive?” The owner said, “Well, apart from talking, he can also do some amusing actions,like dancing and so on. That?s why he?s so expensive.” Then the customer said, “How about the third one? What canhe do that makes him so expensive?” The owner of the shopsaid, “I don?t know. Normally, I have never heard him talk, nor dance, nor whistle, nor sing, nothing at all! But the other two call him ?The Boss.?”

老板最大 有個(gè)人到一間商店買(mǎi)鸚鵡。店里有三只鸚鵡，其中一只賣(mài)五千元，另一只賣(mài)一萬(wàn)元，還有一只賣(mài)三萬(wàn)元。顧客問(wèn)老板：「為什么這只要賣(mài)五千元？這個(gè)價(jià)錢(qián)對(duì)這種鸚鵡來(lái)說(shuō)太貴了！」老板說(shuō)：「因?yàn)槲矣杏?xùn)練他講話(huà)�！诡櫩陀謫�(wèn)：「那這只呢？他會(huì)做什么？為什么要賣(mài)這么貴？」老板說(shuō)：「他除了會(huì)說(shuō)話(huà)之外，還會(huì)表演一些有趣的動(dòng)作，好比說(shuō)跳舞等等，所以才賣(mài)這么貴。」顧客接著又問(wèn)：「那第三只呢？他會(huì)做什么？為什么要賣(mài)這么貴？」老板說(shuō)：「我不知道。我從沒(méi)聽(tīng)過(guò)他講話(huà)、吹口哨或唱歌，也沒(méi)看過(guò)他跳舞，什么都沒(méi)有！不過(guò)另外兩只叫他：『老板！』」

Where is the egg?

Teacher:Can you make a sentence with the word "egg"?

Student:Yes.I ate a piece of cake yesterday.

Teacher:Then where is the “egg"?

Student:In the cake,Sir.

雞蛋在哪里？

老師：你能用“雞蛋”一詞造句嗎？

學(xué)生：可以。我昨天吃了一塊蛋糕。

老師：“雞蛋”在哪？

學(xué)生：在蛋糕里，先生

Tom is a little boy, and he is only seven years old. Once he goes to a cinema. It is the first time for him to do that. He buys a ticket and goes in. But after two or three minutes he comes out, and buys the second ticket and goes in again. After a few minutes he comes out again and buys the third ticket. Two or three minutes after that he comes out and asks for another ticket. But a girl asks him, “Why do you buy so many tickets? How many friends do you meet?” “No, I have no friends here, but a big woman always stops me at the door and cuts up my ticket.”

湯姆是個(gè)小孩， 他才7歲。 當(dāng)他去電影院的時(shí)候。那時(shí)他第一次去。他買(mǎi)了張票進(jìn)去了。 但沒(méi)過(guò)兩三分鐘他就出來(lái)了，然后買(mǎi)了第二張票又進(jìn)去了。 幾分鐘后他又出來(lái)買(mǎi)了第三張票。 接著兩三分鐘后他又出來(lái)買(mǎi)票。 一個(gè)女的問(wèn)她，“你為什么要買(mǎi)那么多票啊? 你見(jiàn)到了幾個(gè)朋友？" "沒(méi)有， 我里面沒(méi)朋友， 但是每當(dāng)我進(jìn)門(mén)的時(shí)候一位大的女人老把我的票給剪了"

Child:My uncle has 1000 men under him.

Man:He is really somebody.What does do?

Child:A maintenance man in a cemetery

他真是一個(gè)大人物

小孩：我叔叔下面有1000個(gè)人。

男人：他真是一個(gè)大人物。他是干什么的？

小孩：墓地守墓人。

Teacher: Would Shakespeare be a great man if he were still alive today?

Student: Of course. He must be a great man, for so far nobody has lived to over 400 years.

一名偉人

老師：如果莎士比亞還活著，他會(huì)是一名偉人嗎？

學(xué)生：當(dāng)然。因?yàn)榈侥壳盀橹梗�還沒(méi)有人活到400多歲。

Mr. Smith: Waiter, there's a dead fly in

my soup.

Waiter: Yes, sir, I know---it's the heat that kills it.

史密斯先生：服務(wù)員，我的湯里有一只死蒼蠅．

服務(wù)員：是的，先生，我知道了，它是被燙死的．

Son: Dad, give me a dime.

Father: Son, don't you think you're getting too big to be forever begging for dimes? Son: I guess you're right, Dad, Give me a dollar, will you?

兒子：爸爸，給我一角錢(qián)。

父親：兒子，你不認(rèn)為你已經(jīng)長(zhǎng)大了，不該再老是一角一角地要錢(qián)了(該自立了)，不是嗎？

兒子：爸爸，我想你是對(duì)的，那給我一塊錢(qián)行嗎？

A little kid fell in love with another little kid, a school mate. Sometimes the kids think they fall in love when they have a crush on someone else in the class, when they?re eight or ten years old or something like that. So the eight-year-oldkid came back home and asked his father, “Father, is it expensive to be married?” And the father said, “Yes, son, it is very expensive.” So the son asked, “How much does it cost?” And the father said, “I don?t know, son. I?m still paying.”

有個(gè)小孩愛(ài)上了另一個(gè)小孩，對(duì)方是學(xué)校的同學(xué)。八歲或十歲左右的孩子有時(shí)會(huì)

迷戀班上某個(gè)人，然后就以為自己戀愛(ài)了。因此這個(gè)八歲的小孩回家問(wèn)他爸爸：「爸爸，結(jié)婚很花錢(qián)嗎？」爸爸說(shuō)：「是啊，兒子，非�；ㄥX(qián)。」兒子又問(wèn)：「要花多少錢(qián)呢？」爸爸說(shuō)：「我不知道，兒子，我到現(xiàn)在還一直在付錢(qián)��！」

"Boy, why have you got cotton-wool in your ear? Is it infected?" "No, sir, but you said yesterday that everything you told me went in one ear and out the other , so I am trying to stop it."

“孩子，你為什么用棉花塞住耳朵？它感染了嗎？”

“沒(méi)有，老師�？墒悄阕蛱煺f(shuō)你告訴我的知識(shí)都是一個(gè)耳朵里進(jìn)，一個(gè)耳朵里出，所以我要把它堵在里面�！�

“I'm sorry ，Madam ，but I shall have to charge you twenty dollars for pulling your boy's tooth .”

“Twenty d ollars! Why ，I understand you to say that you charged only four dollars for such work!”

“Yes，but this youngster yelled so terribly that he scared four other patients out of the office .”

“對(duì)不起，夫人，為您孩子拔牙我要收取20美元�！�

“20美元！為什么？不是說(shuō)好只要4美元�！�

“是的，但是你的孩子大喊大叫，把另外四個(gè)病人嚇跑了。”

TWO： Teacher：We all know that beat causes an object to expand an cold cauese it to contract. Now，can anyone give me a good example?

John：Well ，in the summer the days are long，and in the winter the days are short. 老師：我們都知道熱脹冷縮的道理�，F(xiàn)在，誰(shuí)給我舉個(gè)例子？

約翰：嗯，在夏天天都長(zhǎng)，在冬天天都短。

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