英語笑話小短文篇一：英語幽默小故事6篇

1、Good use of cry 哭的妙用

The parents with their three-year-old son went to see film.

When they walked into the cinema, the attendant said to them,

“you’ll have to go out if your son cries. But we’ll refund

you the tickets.” About half an hour later, the husband

asked his wife, “What do you think of the film?”

“I’ve never seen such a boring film.” His wife answered.

“It’s not worth seeing.”

“I don’t think much of it, either.” The husband said.

“Wake the child up and let him cry.”

一對夫婦帶著他們3歲的兒子去看電影。進電影院時，服務員對他們說：“如果你們的兒子哭了，你們就得出去。不過我們會給你們退票的。”大約半個小時以后，丈夫?qū)ζ拮诱f：“你覺得這電影怎么樣？”“我從沒看過這么沒勁的電影�！逼拮踊卮鹫f，“真不值得看�！薄拔乙膊幌矚g看�！闭煞蛘f：“叫醒孩子，讓他哭�！�

2、What a Smart Wife家有笨妻

A newly married woman was sitting on a chair,

looking vexed, when her husband came home.

"What's up? Why do you look so troubled?"

the husband asked. The woman replied,

"I'm so sorry. I was ironing your new suit and

burned a hole in your trousers." And the man said,

"That's all right. I have another pair that is exactly the same."

"Thank God you do. I used it to mend this pair,"

the wife responded.

有一個剛結(jié)婚的太太，坐在椅子那邊，看起來很懊惱，她先生回家看到她這個樣子，就問：‘嗨，你怎么啦？為什么看起來這么懊惱呢？’太太說：‘很抱歉，你那件新做的西裝褲被我燙壞了，燙成一個洞了�！�他先生說：‘啊！那個沒關(guān)系啦！我還有另外一件一樣的褲子。’ 她說：‘是啊，還好我把那件新的拿出來補那件被我燙壞的�！�

3、Endearing terms

英語幽默故事:可愛的稱呼

Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, and you keep calling your wife those pet names." Morris hung his head and whispered," To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago."

Bernie應邀來到他的朋友Morris家吃晚餐。在朋友家，Bernie發(fā)現(xiàn)，不管問他老婆什么問題，Morris總要在每句話的前面加上一些親密的稱呼，象蜜糖，我的愛人，親愛的，甜心等等。Bernie對Morris說，“你們夫妻倆真夠親密的，結(jié)婚這么多年了，你還叫她叫得那么親密�！盡orris低下頭，小聲地對Bernie說，“老實跟你說吧，三年前我忘記老婆的真名是什么了�！�

4、Are you a normal person？你是正常人嗎？

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director ..., "What is the criterion that defines a patient to be institutionalized?" "Well..." said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, and we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup." "Noooooooo!" answered the director. "A normal person would pull the plug."

參觀一所精神病院的時候一個參觀者問院長，“你們是用什么標準來決定一個人是否應該被關(guān)進精神病院呢？” “呃? ?”院長說，“是這樣，我們先給一個浴缸放滿水，然后我們給病人一個調(diào)茶匙，一個茶杯和一個水桶去把浴缸里面的水放清。” “噢，我明白了”， 參

觀者說。“一個正常人會選擇水桶， 因為水桶比茶匙，茶杯的體積大。” “錯了”，“院長回答”“正常人會把浴缸塞子拔掉”。

5、英文幽默老虎來了

Two guys were walking through the jungle. All of a sudden, a tiger appears from a distance, running towards them.

One of the guys takes out a pair of "Nikes" from his bag and starts to put them on. The other guy with a surprised look and exclaims, "Do you think you will run faster than the tiger with those?"

His friend replies: "I don't have to out run it, I just have to run faster than you."

兩個男人正在穿過叢林，突然，一只老虎出現(xiàn)在遠處，向他們沖來。

其中的一個人從包里拿出一雙“耐克”鞋，開始穿上。另一個人驚奇地看著他說，“你以為穿上這個就可以跑得過老虎嗎？”

他的朋友回答道：“我不用跑得過它，我只要跑得比你快就行了�！�

6、Another 40 Years to live

再活40年

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked if this was it. God said, "No you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live." Upon recovery the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, lip-suction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even had someone come in and change her hair color, figuring since she had so much more time to live, she might as well make the most of it. She got out of the hospital after the last operation and while crossing the street was killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 Years? "God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

一名中年婦女心臟病突發(fā)被送到了醫(yī)院， 在手術(shù)臺上，瀕臨死亡之際，她看到了上帝， 于是，她問上帝是不是她的日子到頭了。 上帝回答說，“還沒有，你還能活43年，2個月零8天�！� 身體快要康復的時候，這名女士想到自己還要活那么多年，得好好對待自己，于是決定先不出院，而是去給自己整整容，吸吸脂，隆隆胸，然后還做了一個腹部拉皮和其它一些美容美體手術(shù)。 她甚至還請人到醫(yī)院里面幫她頭發(fā)給染了。 做完最后一個手術(shù)，這位女士出院了， 但就在過馬路的時候，她被一輛風馳電摯趕回醫(yī)院的救護車給撞死了。 再一次，她又站到了上帝的面前，她大惑不解地問上帝，“我記得你說我還能再活40年？” 上帝回答，“那個時候我沒認出你來”。

英語笑話小短文篇二：英語幽默小短文

英語幽默小短文

Wake up! Wake up! It's time for sleeping pills!

醒來！醒來！現(xiàn)在該吃安眠藥了！

The New Teacher

George comes from school on the first of September.

"George, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother.

"I didn\'t like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too....."

The lecturer on evolution had been going on for nearly two hours. then he started again, and said he:"Let me ask the evolutionist a question --- if we had tails like a baboon, where are they?"

"I'll venture an answer, " said an old lady. "We have worn them off sitting here so long.".

Late one night at the insane asylum (瘋?cè)嗽海﹐ne inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"

Another one said, "How do you know?"

The first inmate said, "God told me!"

Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did not!"

Improvement

One student to another: "How are your English lessons coming along?" "Fine. I used to be one who couldn't understand the English men, and now it's the English men who can't understand me."

Half or Five Tenths?

Teacher: Would you rather have one half of an orange or five tenths? Gerald: I'd much rather have the half.

Teacher: Think carefully, and tell me why.

Gerald: Because you lose too much juice when you cut the orange into five tenths.

The Reason of Being Late

Teacher: Johnny, why are you late for school every morning?

Johnny: Every time I come to the corner, a guidepost says, 'School -- Go Slow'.

When Do People Talk Least?

Student A: When do people talk least?

Student B: In February.

Student A: Why?

Student B: Because February is the shortest month of a year.

The plural Form of "Child"

Teacher: What is the plural of man, Tom?

Tom: Men.

Teacher: Good. And the plural of child?

Tom: Twins.

All Except the Music

A keen young teacher wanted to introduce her class to the glories of classical music, so she arranged an outing to an afternoon concert. To make the occasion even more memorable, she treated everyone to lemonade, cake, chocs and ices. Just as the party was getting back into their coach, she said to little Sally, "Have you enjoyed yourself today?"

"Oh, yes, miss!" said Sally, "It was lovely. All except the music, that is."

My Sister's Fingers

Teacher: Kevin, why are you late this time?

Kevin: Please sir, I bruised two fingers knocking in a nail at home. Teacher: I don't see any bandages.

Kevin: Oh, they weren't my fingers! I told my little sister to hold the nail.

The Climate of New Zealand

Teacher: Matthew, what is the climate of New Zealand?

Matthew: Very Cold, sir.

Teacher: Wrong.

Matthew: But, sir! When they send us meat it always arrives frozen!

Lightning

Teacher: Why is it said that lightning never strikes the same place twice? Roy: Because after it's struck once the same place isn't there any more!

Who Discovered Australia?

Teacher: Find Australia on the map for me, Johnny.

Johnny: It's there, sir.

Teacher: That's right. Now Sammy, who discovered Australia?

Sammy: Johnny, sir.

Essay

Teacher had set his class an essay in "A Game of Cricket". After two minutes Simon Steel handed his paper in and was allowed to go home. His essay read: "Rain stopped play."

How Many Rabbits?

Teacher: Now, Jonathan, if I gave you three rabbits and then the next day I gave you five rabbits, how many rabbits would you have?

Jonathan: Nine, sir.

Teacher: Nine?

Jonathan: I've got one already, sir.

To Go to Heaven

Sunday School teacher: Hands up all those who want to go to Heaven? Hands up ..... what about you, Terry? You haven't got your hand up -- don't you want to go to Heaven?

Terry: I can't. My Mum told me to go straight home.

教進化論的老師已經(jīng)滔滔不絕地講了快兩個小時，他的話題又來了：“讓我向進化論者提個問題——如果我們曾經(jīng)像狒狒那樣長著尾巴，那么現(xiàn)在尾巴到哪里去了？”

“我來試試看，”一位老太太說。

“該是我們在這里坐這么久把它們磨掉了吧�！�

瘋?cè)嗽?/p>

一天晚上，在瘋?cè)嗽豪�，一個病人說："我是拿破侖！"另一個說："你怎么知道？"第一個人說："上帝對我說的！"一會兒，一個聲音從另一個房間傳來："我沒說！"

進步

一位學生對另一位說：“你的英語最近學的怎么樣？”

“很好，我過去不懂英國人說話，可現(xiàn)在是英國人不懂我的話了�！�

半個還是十分之五

老師：你愿意要半個柑橘，還是十分之五個柑橘？

杰拉得：我寧可要半個。

老師：仔細想想，說出理由來。

杰拉得：因為你如果把柑橘切成十分之五，那柑橘汁就損失太多了。

遲到的原因

老 師：約翰尼，為什么你每天早晨都遲到？

約翰尼：每當我經(jīng)過學校附近的拐角處，就見路牌上寫著‘學校－緩行’。

人們什么時候說話最少？

學生甲：人們在什么時候說話最少？

學生乙：在二月。

學生甲：為什么呢？

學生乙：因為二月是一年中最短的一個月。

"孩子"的復數(shù)形式

老師：湯姆，‘男人’這個詞的復數(shù)形式是什么？

湯姆：男人們。

老師：答得好。那‘孩子’的復數(shù)形式呢？

湯姆：雙胞胎。

除了音樂

一位熱心的年輕教師想讓她的學生多了解一點優(yōu)秀的古典音樂，就安排了一天下午去聽音樂會。為了使這次活動能給大家留下更深的印象，她請大家喝檸檬汽水、吃點心、巧克力和冰淇淋。在大家回來上汽車的時候，她問小薩莉：“你今天玩得好嗎？”

“噢，好極了，小姐，” 薩莉說，“除了音樂其它都很好�！�

我妹妹的手指頭

老師：凱溫，這次你怎么又遲到了？

凱溫：對不起，老師，我在家釘釘子，砸壞了兩個手指頭。

老師：怎么沒有扎繃帶呀？

凱溫：噢，砸的不是我的手指頭，我叫小妹妹扶著釘子的。

新西蘭的氣候

老師：馬修，新西蘭的氣候怎么樣？

馬修：先生，那里的天氣很冷。

老師：錯了。

馬修：可是，先生！從那兒運來的豬肉都凍得硬邦邦的。

閃電

老師：為什么說閃電從來不會兩次擊中同一個地方？

羅伊：因為它擊中一個地方一次以后，那個地方就不存在了。

誰發(fā)現(xiàn)了澳大利亞？

老師：約翰尼，在地圖上給我找出澳大利亞在什么地方。

約翰尼：先生，在這兒。

老師：對了。薩默，你來回答我是誰發(fā)現(xiàn)了澳大利亞？

薩默：先生，是約翰尼。

作文

老師給學生出了個作文題：“一場板球賽”。兩分鐘后，西蒙。斯蒂爾交了作文，老師允許他回家了。他在作文上寫道：“下雨，比賽終止。”

英語笑話小短文篇三：英語幽默短文帶翻譯

I knew that!

There were two men who went out to eat together. They ordered fish. So on the table there were two fish. Normally not all the fish are alike in size, so there was one small, and one big. The first man just took the big one for himself without asking and feeling ashamed, or anything; and ate it. The other friend felt very disturbed and annoyed, he didn't know what to say. So he thought for a while, and then he said," If it were me," I would have taken the smaller onefirst." So the other guy said," See! I knew that! That's why I took the big one."

He Won

Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself. Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen?

Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.

他贏了

湯姆：約翰尼，你小弟弟好嗎？

約翰尼：他害病臥床了。他受了傷。

湯姆：真糟糕，怎么回事兒？

約翰尼：我們做游戲，看誰能把身子探出窗外最遠，他贏了。

I Have His Ear in My Pocket

Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?" "A kid bit me," replied Ivan.

"Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.

"I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."

他的耳朵在我衣兜里

伊凡鼻子流著血回到家里。他媽媽問，“發(fā)生了什么事？”

“一個男孩咬了我一口，”伊凡說。

“再見到他你能認出來嗎？”媽媽問。

“他走到哪里我都能認出他，”伊凡說�！八�的耳朵還在我衣兜里呢�！�

A Good Boy

Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"

"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.

"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"

"She is the one who sells the candy."

好孩子

小羅伯特向媽媽要兩分錢。

“昨天給你的錢干什么了？”

“我給了一個可憐的老太婆，”他回答說。 “你真是個好孩子，”媽媽驕傲地說�！霸俳o你兩分錢�？赡銥槭裁磳δ俏焕咸�太那么感興趣呢？”

“她是個賣糖果的�！�

Drunk

One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk."

"But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"

醉酒

一天，父親與小兒子一道回家。這個孩子正處于那種對什么事都很感興趣的年齡，老是有提不完的問題。他向父親發(fā)問道：“爸爸，‘醉’字是什么意思？” “唔，孩子，”父親回答說，“你瞧那兒站著兩個警察。如果我把他們看成了四個，那么我就算醉了�！� “可是，爸爸， ”孩子說，“那兒只有一個警察呀！”

Hospitality

The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy.

好客

由于客人在吃蘋果餡餅時，家里沒有奶酪了，于是女主人向大家表示歉意。這家的小男孩悄悄地離開了屋子。過了一會兒，他拿著一片奶酪回到房間，把奶酪放在客人的盤子里。 客人微笑著把奶酪放進嘴里說：“孩子，你的眼睛就是比你媽媽的好。你在哪里找到的奶酪？” “在捕鼠夾上，先生�！蹦切∧泻⒄f。

英語小笑話

上個星期五我穿了一件 Adidas 的衣服去打球, 一個老美看到就笑我說, "Do you know what does it mean? It means All Day I Dream About Sex.我整天都在想著 性, 縮寫正好是 Adidas) " 我正驚訝他怎么反應這么快, 聯(lián)想力這么豐富時,旁邊的 一個老美幫我解圍, 他說, 有一個很著名的合唱團 Korn, 他們的招牌歌之一就是

A.D.I.D.A.S, (All day I dream about sex)所以呢,這個典故可是很多老美都耳熟 能詳?shù)泥? 下次就換你去取笑老美了.

Class and Ass

Professor Laurie of Glasgow put his notice on his door: "Professor Laurie will not meet his classes today."

A student, after reading the notice, rubbed out the "c".

Later Professor Laurie came along, and entering into the spirit of the joke, rubbed out the "l".

班和笨驢

格拉斯哥的勞里教授在門上貼了這樣一個通知：“勞里教授今天不見他的班級�！�

一個學生讀了通知后，擦掉了字母“c”(lass：姑娘)。

后來勞里教授來了，也想開開玩笑，他擦掉了字母“l(fā)”(ass：笨驢)。

Keys? Kiss?

A friend of mine was giving an English lesson to a class of adult who had recently come to live in the United States. After placing quite a number of everyday objects on a table, he asked various members of the class to give him the ruler, the book, the pen and so on. The class went very smoothly and the students seemed interested and serious about the work that they were engaged in until when my friend turned to an Italian student and said, "Give me the kays." The man looked surprised and somewhat at a loss. Seeing this, my friend thought that the student hadn't heard him clearly, so he

repeated. "Give me the kays." The Italian shrugged his shoulders. Then, he threw his arms around the teacher's neck and kissed him on both cheeks.

鑰匙還是接吻

我的一位朋友在給一個成人學生班級上英語課。他們都是新近來美國生活的。在一張桌子上擺了許多日常用品之后，他請全班同學給他挑出尺子，書本，鋼筆等。課進行得井然有序，學生們對自己所做的似乎很感興趣，也很認真。后來輪到一名來自意大利的學生，我的朋友說：“給我鑰匙�！蹦侨丝雌饋矸浅３泽@，也有點手足無措�？吹竭@種情況，我的朋友想是他沒有聽清楚，于是又重復了一遍：“給我鑰匙。”那位意大利學生聳了聳肩。接著，他伸出胳膊摟住老師的脖子在雙頰上親了兩下。

Danny: I can't solve this problem.

Teacher:What?Any five-year-old could solve it. Danny:That's why I can't.I'm ten.

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