英語作文笑話篇一：英語短文笑話全集

英語短文笑話

1,Two birls

Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?

Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.

Teacher: Please tell us.

Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow. 兩只鳥

老師： 這兒有兩只鳥，一只是麻雀。誰能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀嗎？

學生：我指不出，但我知道答案。

老師：請說說看。

學生：燕子旁邊的就是麻雀，麻雀旁邊的就是燕子。

2. The Fish Net

"Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?"

"A lot of little holes tied together with strings." replied the little girl.

魚網(wǎng)

"你能告訴我魚網(wǎng)是什么做的嗎，安？" 老師發(fā)問道。

"把許多小孔用繩子栓在一起就成了魚網(wǎng)了。" 小女孩回答道。

3. The New Teacher

George comes from school on the first of September.

"George, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother.

"I didn\'t like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too....."

新老師

9月1日， 喬治放學回到家里。

"喬治，你喜歡你們的新老師嗎？" 媽媽問。

"媽媽，我不喜歡，因為她說3加3得6, 可后來又說2加4也得6。"

4. A physics Examination

Once in a physics examination, Nick finished the first question very soon, while his

classmates were thinking it hard.

The question was: When it thunders why do we see the lighting first, then hear the

thunderrolls?

Nick\'s answer: Because our eyes are before ears.

一次物理考試

在一次物理考試時，當同學們都還在苦思冥想時，尼克很快就答好了第一個問題。

這個問題是：為什么在打雷時，我們總是先看到閃電后聽到雷聲？

尼克的回答是：因為眼睛在前，耳朵在后。

A carpenter was giving evidence about an accident he had witnessed. The judge asked him how far away he was from the accident.

The carpenter replied "twenty seven feet, six and one half inches".

"What? How come you are so sure of that distance?", asked the judge.

"Well, I knew some idiot would ask me. So I measured it!" replied the carpenter.

距事故的距離

一個木匠為一個目擊的事故做證詞.法官問他與事故發(fā)生地方的距離有多遠.

這個木匠回答道:"27英尺6.5英寸遠."

"什么?你怎么對這個距離如此肯定?"這個法官問道.

"噢,我知道有些白癡會問我,所以我測量了一下."這個木匠回答道.

稱重

An irritated woman burst into the baker's shop and said:"I sent my son in for 2 pounds of cookies this morning, but when I weighed them there was only one pound. I suggest that you check your scales."

The baker looked at her calmly for a moment or two and then replied:"Ma'am, I suggest you

weigh your son."

一個女人怒氣沖沖的闖進面包店，說：“今早上我讓我兒子買了2磅的餅干，但是當我稱它們的時候卻只有一磅了。我覺得你的稱有問題”。面包師鎮(zhèn)定的看了看女人，說：“女士，我覺

得您該回去稱一稱您的兒子”

Trouble you again

A robust-lookinggentleman ate a fine meal at an expensive restaurant and topped it off with some Napoleon brandy, then he summoned the headwaiter. "Do you recall," he asked pleasantly, "how a year ago, I ate just such a repast here and then, because I couldn't pay for it, you had me thrown into the gutter like a common bum?"

"I'm very sorry sir." began the contrite headwaiter.

"Oh, it's quite all right." said the guest, "but I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you again..."

再次麻煩你

一個看起來很健壯的紳士在一個很貴的餐廳吃完精致的早餐并且喝了一些拿破侖白蘭

地。然后他叫來服務生領班，“你還記得嗎？”他愉快的說道，“大概一年以前，我在這里像這樣就餐，然后因為我付不起帳，你把我想乞丐一樣扔進排水溝里”

“非常抱歉先生”后悔的服務生領班說道。

“噢，那非常不錯”這個客人道，“但是 我恐怕還得再麻煩你一次。”

詞匯：1、gutter n.排水溝，臭水溝；2、bum n. 二流子，乞丐；3、headwaiter n.領班

丈夫和妻子

Wife: You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.

Husband: You tell a woman something. It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth. 妻子：你給男人說點事，他左耳朵進，右耳朵出。(轉(zhuǎn)身就給忘了)

丈夫：你給女人說點事，她兩個耳朵都聽進去了，可是從嘴里出來了。

你吹牛吧！

The little John taught his parrot to speak "follow me to say that I can walk."

"I can walk." said the parrot following.

"I can speak."

"I can speak." The parrot simulatedas almost the same as he did.

"I can fly."

"You talk big." The parrot said without thinking for a while.

You talk big

小約翰教他的鸚鵡說話“跟我說，我會走路."

"我會走路”鸚鵡跟著說。

“我會說話。”

“我會說話。”鸚鵡模仿的和他說的幾乎一模一樣。

“我會飛�！�

“你吹牛吧�！丙W鵡不假思索地說。

相關詞匯解析：1.parrot n.鸚鵡；2.simulate vt.模仿

Five years experience and imagination

Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office.

"What is the meaning of this?" the director asked. "When you applied for the job, you told us you had five years' experience. Now we discover this is the first job you ever held."

"Well," the young man said, "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination."

5年經(jīng)驗和豐富想像力

只上了幾周班的年輕人被叫到了人事主管的辦公室。

“這是什么意思？”主管問到“你應聘這從份工作的時候，你告訴我們，你有五年的經(jīng)驗。現(xiàn)在

我們確發(fā)現(xiàn)，這是你的第一份工作�！�

“是的”。年輕人說，“你在應聘廣告中說到，你想要的是一個有想像力的員工呀！”Proposal

An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal.

"Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a friend.

"Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her you're 90."

求婚

一位非常富有的男人在他65歲的愛上了一位20歲的年輕女孩，他打算向她求婚。

“你認為如果我告訴她我現(xiàn)在45歲她會答應嫁給我嗎？”他問他的一個朋友。

他的朋友回答：“如果你告訴她你現(xiàn)在90歲的話，你成功的機率會更大�！�

相關詞匯解析：1.proposal n.求婚；（還有建議，提案等，之前有學過了，大家還記得嗎？）

2.enormously adj.巨大的，龐大的；

３.contemplate vt. 預期，計劃

We Left Nothing

Mrs Brown was going out for the day. She locked the house and tacked a note for the

milkman on the door:

NOBODY HOME. DON'T LEAVE ANYTHING.

When she got back that night, she found her door broken open and her house

ransacked. On the note she had left, she found the following message added:

THANKS! WE HAVEN'T LEFT ANYTHING!

We Left Nothing

布朗太太這天出門，走之前在門上訂了個便條給送奶工：

屋里沒人，什么都不用留。

晚上當她回家的時候，她發(fā)現(xiàn)她的門已經(jīng)被砸開，屋子被洗劫一空。

在她留的便條上，她發(fā)現(xiàn)被加一行留言：

謝謝！我們什么都沒留下！

遲了四十年

An old fellow was snoozing away contentedly when he was startled awake by the

doorbell. He staggeredoff the couch to make his way to the door. There stood a gorgeous

young woman.

"Oh my goodness," the pretty young thing exclaimed, "I'm at the wrong house."

"Sweetheart, you're at the right house," the old guy assured her. "But you're forty years

too late."

遲了四十年

一老頭睡得正香，突然被門鈴聲驚醒了，于是他緩緩地從沙發(fā)走向門口。開門一看，是一個

年輕美麗的女人。

“天哪，我找錯地方了”，少婦驚呼。

“寶貝，你沒走錯，你只是遲了四十年�！崩先苏f道。

相關詞匯解析

1. stagger vi.搖搖晃晃,蹣跚而行

2.gorgeous adj.華麗的，秀色可餐的，極好的

3.exclaim vi 驚叫，呼喊

英語笑話短文

Pig or Witch

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!!" The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "WITCH(女巫)!!" They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road. If only men would listen.

豬還是女巫

一個男人在一條陡峭狹窄的山路上駕車，一個女人相向駕車而來。他們相遇時，那個女的從窗中伸出頭來叫到：“豬��！”那個男的立即從窗中伸出頭來回敬道：“女巫！！”他們繼續(xù)前行。這個男的在下一個路口轉(zhuǎn)彎時，撞上了路中間的一頭豬。要是這個男的能聽懂那個女人的意思就好了。

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Response Ability

An Ogden, Iowa, minister was matching coins with a member of his congregation for a cup of coffee. When asked if that didn't constitute gambling, the minister replied, "It's merely a scientific method of determining just who is going to commit an act of charity."

Philosopher Bertrand Russell, asked if he was willing to die for his beliers, replied: "Of course not. After all, I may be wrong."

A newspaper organized a contest for the best answer to the question: "If a fire broke out in the Louvre, and if you could only save one painting, which one would you carry out?"

The winning reply was: "The one nearest the exit."

答問技巧

衣阿華州奧格根的一位牧師正在與一位教友為一杯咖啡而猜硬幣。別人問他那是否構成賭博行為時，牧師答道：“這僅僅是決定由誰來做一件善事的一種科學方法�！�

當我人問哲學家羅素是否愿意為了他的信仰而獻身時，他答道：“當然不會。畢竟，我可能會是錯的�！�

英語作文笑話篇二：英語幽默小短文

英語幽默小短文

The Old Cat

An old woman had a cat. The cat was very old; she could not run quickly, and she could not bite, because she was so old. (轉(zhuǎn) 載于:www.91mayou.com 蒲公 英文摘:英語作文笑話)One day the old cat saw a mouse; she jumped and caught the mouse. But she could not bite it; so the mouse got out of her mouth and ran away, because the cat could not bite it. Then the old woman became very angry because the cat had not killed the mouse. She began to hit the cat. The cat said, "Do not hit your old servant. I have worked for you for many years, and I would work for you still, but I am too old. Do not be unkind to the old, but remember what good work the old did when they were young."

英語作文笑話篇三：英語寫作的笑話之六

61/ Psychiatrist

Jerry went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm going crazy!" Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears." How much do you charge?" A hundred dollars per visit." I'll sleep on it," said Jerry. Six months later the doctor met Jerry on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist. For a hundred bucks a visit? The bartender cured me for $10." "Is that so! How?" He told me to cut the legs off the bed!" Ain't nobody under there now!!! 62/ Problem with Gas

A little old lady goes to the doctor ... and says, "Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it doesn't really bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent." The doctor says, "I see. Here's a prescription. Take these pills 3 times a day for seven days and come back to see me next week." The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts ... although still silent... stink terribly." The doctor says, "Good!

Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's start working on your hearing."

63/ Poisonous Snakes

A father and son snake are out for a nice afternoon slither. The son asks, "Dad, are we poisonous snakes?" The father replies proudly, "Yes son, we are rattler snakes! Why do you ask son?" "Because , dad, I bit my tongue!!"

64/ Speeding

Traveling salesmen make their living visiting as many customers as possible. So speeding to get from one appointment to the next is not unheard-of. Which is how I got pulled over by a highway patrolman. "Don't you ever look at the speedometer?" the officer scolded. Before I knew it, the truth spilled from my mouth. "As fast as I was going," I admitted, "I was afraid to take my eyes off the road."

65/ How Could Anyone Stoop So Low?

Our manager at the restaurant where I worked was a much beloved, jovial man. But there was one subject you didn't dare discuss in front of him -- his height. Or, should I say, his lack of it. One day, he stormed through the door and announced angrily, "Someone just picked my pocket!" Most of my fellow waitresses and I were speechless, except for the one who blurted

out, "How could anyone stoop so low?"

66/ Shave Head

Recently, a man walked into my barbershop asking how much for a haircut. "Eight dollars," I answered. "And for a shave?" "Five dollars." "All right," he said, settling into the barber chair. "Shave my head."

67/ An Absent-minded Professor

No doubt about it, my fellow monk, Father Martin, was a bit of an absent-minded professor. He often filled in for sick priests at other parishes, and one Saturday he found himself on a train to a new destination, frantically searching his pockets for his ticket. "Forget about it, Father," said the conductor, recognizing him as a regular. "I'm sure you paid for a ticket." "I can't forget about the ticket," Father Martin replied nervously. "I need to know where I'm going."

68/ Six or Twelve?

A blonde went into a pizza parlor. When she said that she?d like a medium pizza, the clerk asked her how many pieces she?d like to have it cut into: six or twelve. “Oh, goodness, six please,” said the blonde. “I don?t think I could ever eat twelve.” 69/ When a Tiger Comes

Two guys were walking through the jungle. All of a sudden, a

tiger appears from a distance, running towards them.

One of the guys takes out a pair of "Nikes" from his bag and starts to put them on. The other guy with a surprised look and exclaims, "Do you think you will run faster than the tiger with those?"

His friend replies: "I don't have to out run it, I just have to run faster than you."

70/ I’m Sure it is Fresh

A new restaurant opened in our town, so my husband, Walter, and I decided to try it. As the waitress took our order, Walter asked if the coffee was fresh. "I'm sure it is," answered the waitress. "We've only been open two weeks."

71/ Pink Suit Sale

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him. "Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"

"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked.

"That's the one!"

"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid

of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?"

"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."

72/ Blind Date

After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave. When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died. “Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

73/ I Hung Him Up to Dry

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking by the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately reviewed her file and called her into his office. "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in

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